I have changed a lot over the seven years on this blog but, not as much as I have over the past eight months. I don’t post much on here; not because I don’t want to (I have tried multiple times) but, everything I write comes out of a place that’s negative, it’s anger and sadness that pours out when I write. I’m not proud of the posts I publish because it has no meaning to others. I have so much built up anger and it’s frustrating. Healing is difficult when doing it on your own, it’s especially difficult when no one around you likes how you’ve changed. I don’t blame anyone though, I would be tired of me too; actually I am tired of me. I have replaced self harm with alcohol, being a horny drunk to an aggressive one, having no walls up to having so many.
I have had this post in my drafts for over two months because it’s just another sad sob story of mine. It was my way of asking for help to the people surrounding me but, let’s cut the bullshit; there’s no one around me and I don’t need their help. I still believe that people need other people to survive, however, we need to acknowledge the time periods where you are supposed to be alone and be at peace with it.
It has taken me the whole year to be okay with being on my own. At first, I had so many people supporting me after getting cheated on, I was overwhelmed with my everyday life. But, as time went on, friendships ended, people changed, environments became toxic, and I was by myself again. So who am I? Like seriously without the chaos of being the regular at every bar in my town, without being the girl who keeps getting her heart broken, without the Christianity I used to represent; there has been a ton of new version of myself on this blog but lately I have no idea who the fuck I am or what I want to be label as but I am becoming okay with that.
Because I was sad today, missing people I shouldn’t be missing. Because I would say I am pretty much isolated, talking to a friend is rare for me and I have no support system in this city. So I get lonely more often and yeah it does suck but, I am starting to feel some sense of peace about it. This is my first post in probably a year or so, that should mean the healing has to be evolving right? So, I get to be sad today because I am still trying.
I guess that is what this post is about; all you can do is the best for yourself. It doesn’t matter if you don’t have it all figured out at this moment. It doesn’t matter who the fuck is or isn’t in your life. It doesn’t matter how people label you or how you label yourself. You’re reading this which means you’re present in your healing.
So who I am?
Someone who is fucking figuring it out
Go kickass, Im rooting for you
