I have a ton of ideas for different posts; I usually think of them in the car and then put the idea in my phone so I would remember it for later. But, every time I go to type, I delete the whole thing. I have been second guessing what I put on here because I feel like I am being watched. I can’t use names of people who inspire my pain to feel how I feel, I can’t expose the toxicity that comes from being stuck in friend groups. All I want to do is scream to the world how Justin cheated on me and how much of an awful individual you have to be to do that to someone. I wish I could say that the worst breakup I had to go through was with Johnny and how it still affects me to this day. I wish I could say I miss you to my blonde best friend because I have been the most alone without her. This was suppose to be my safe place, not yours.
I have faced the backlash of putting names on here, people are too scared to admit to themselves they have hurt someone so deeply and now it is published to the internet. In reality, no one reads these, if someone actually takes the time to read my posts if either because they already know the backstory or they are in desperate need of some inspiration. I share my experiences to hopefully encourage others that they can get through anything but recently, I have felt like I have all these rules when I just want to write.
I have said this many times before; I started my journey as a writer to give myself an environment to feel however I want to feel. This isn’t for you to get mad at how I tell our story. But, at the same time, I am not here typing out these posts with hatred but rather, sorrow. I will always feel a lost when someone leaves my story and with that pain, I am not allowed to tell you how I feel anymore. You are in a new chapter in your story and I am trying to relive the old ones, in every way I can.
So, the debate is simple; do I be selfish and feel how I need to feel on here or do I put others first and find another way to process my emotions? It is a difficult decision because I always tell people to be selfish when their mental health but, caring for others is the most important thing to do everyday. What’s done is done, if I write I miss you to anyone, they won’t come back, they won’t even turn around to miss me too. I am not a prize, I have made mistakes, I am not always the victim, I do know this but, everyone should be able to have a safe place to let go of the opinions that the world has and, just feel.
So, what do I do?
